Remorse
by IceTear1
Summary: Like many times in my stories things hit consciousness at night. So this is all that she did in AU hitting Snow and it s crushing her.
1. Night

**Little warning that this could be hard to read. At least it was hard for me to write, but needed to get all this angst out of me after season 4 finale.**

 **No betat, so sorry for any mistakes since I´m not native English speaker.**

 **Disclaimer: Not my characters, just playing with them.**

I can´t sleep. I watch Charming beside me and almost feel sick. What I done to him, admittedly controlled somewhat by author, but still. I really used him in any possible way and without even feeling anything. And I know he wouldn´t ever hold it against me, but I can´t live in knowledge I really raped him. I have to get out of here. Neal is sleeping peacefully in his crib, so I know he will be alright for a while and Charming can handle it if he wakes up since there is milk in fridge.

I step out of bed as quietly as I could to not to wake them. I hear little sniff from upstairs and couldn´t help but feel that´s my fault too. Henry has been also through hell and we don´t know where Emma vanished. That thought feels like stab in my heart. My beautiful girl is now new Dark one and I didn´t even get a chance to apologize what I did to her in that AU world. I really have to get out now. As soon as I get to front yard I collapse on the bench beside the wall.

How could I do it? When she told who we really are I was so close to remembering the truth, just like with her blanket during first curse, but just brushed it off and tried to burn her. I can´t even think of what if I had succeeded. My beautiful girl dead by my hands, no! I just can´t… That would have been the end of all.

Tears are starting to roll on my face. And Hook, man with whom Emma have finally found love with, killed by Charming because my command that he must always protect and serve me no matter the cost. I´m actually proud of Emma that she didn´t let that broke her, but instead gave her strength to fight to make things right again. I´m not so sure I could done the same if Charming would die.

And oh my God Doc. I just killed him without blinking. How could I ever face him again? Since he is one of my dearest friends and helped me through my pregnancy and labor with Emma. I couldn´t have done that without him. When all was just fear and pain and I couldn´t know what would come next since it was all new to me then, he keep telling me what was coming and how to survive. I can´t believe that Author could change me so much, to do something like that…

I don´t know how I could ever face anyone I love again?

I can´t live with this quilt, but I can´t get suicidal like after Cora either. Telling Charming that then made it clear it wouldn´t be fair for him. And beside that we have now also Neal plus I promised to Emma to be there for her after what happened with Cruella. And now as she became new Dark one she will need help even more. I just don´t know how much help I can be now to anyone?

It starts getting cold so I have to go back inside.

Going back to our bed is not an option since sleeping beside Charming just feels wrong now, when all I can think is what I did in the last few days.

I miss Emma so much that I climb quietly upstairs to search her blanket. Henry is finally sleeping. That´s good since he really needed escape from this all. He has been facing also so much bad in these few days that it´s not fair. He is just 12 year old boy who should be enjoying his life. I promise silently in my mind that I will do anything I can to let him have that. I spot Emma´s blanket under her pillow and take it. Before I leave the room I go to kiss Henry lightly on his head.

When I get back downstairs I check quickly Charming and Neal, who are both sleeping contently. Good for them. I crab blanket from the chair beside Neal´s crib after brushing his head gently. Then proceed to take my resting place from the coach.

I lie down hugging Emma´s baby blanket close to me. It still smells like home and her. It´s amazing how after all these years it could still smell like that beautiful pink baby I got to hold way too short time. And thinking how I almost lost her in that different reality and still might have is crucifying. I let that smell and remembering how it was like to hold her then lull me to dreamworld where both Emma and Neal are small children playing together in castle garden while we are watching them smiling, me sitting in Charming´s arms. And all is like it should have always been.

 **I leave this open for now, if I manage to write next Morning at some point, since Snow need to face family and friends eventually :) Let me know if you are interested to have that part or should I just leave this stand alone?**

 **And to answer quest reviewer since I don´t have other means to do that. This is not so much pity party than Snow feeling quilt and thinking she is protecting Charming by taking distance. And about Emma, I think it´s natural to any mom to be thinking more about the child who just vanished in thin air after becoming dark one. But she is going better, already in this about 1-2 hours time she have gone from having to be away from everone to checking that all family is sleeping well and showing affection to both Henry and Neal.**


	2. Next morning

**Little warning that this could be hard to read. At least it was hard for me to write, but needed to get all this angst out of me after season 4 finale. Trigger warning about mentions of rape.**

 **Sorry for this taking so much time to write! Got little discouraged with feedback after first chapter, but finally get to place where it was more important to get this finished :)**

 **No betat, so sorry for any mistakes since I´m not native English speaker.**

 **Disclaimer: Not my characters, just playing with them.**

CHARMING´S POV

I woke up to sun shining in my face and hearing Neal starting to fuss. When I look to my side I´m surprised Snow isn't there. Where she would have gone during night and why haven´t I woke up? No matter now, I need to take care of Neal before his fussing turns to full on crying. I scoop Neal up from his crib and head to kitchen to get him some milk.

As soon as I get to bigger area of our apartment, I notice Snow sleeping on couch clutching Emma´s blanket big smile on her face. She looks so happy, I just decide to let her sleep and continue my way to the fridge. Finally I get Neal's bottle ready and get to sit down while our little boy drinks his milk happily. Neal being so occupied with his milk lefts me time to think. I wonder why Snow have gone to sleep on the couch. In my mind there shouldn´t be any reason, but maybe she just needed to get Emma´s blanket to mend the pain after her disappearance. That thought hits me deep in the heart. Where our little girl have gone and what is happening to our family? I couldn´t help but hold Neal a little tighter to feel him closer to me to have some comfort knowing at least one child is still in my arms to protect.

Just when Neal is finishing with his bottle I saw Snow stirring up. "Good morning love" I said to her softly.

"Morning". She mumbles and comes to us. Noticing what I was doing, she takes Neal without a word to burb him and then takes him back to his morning meal nap.

After I hear Snow stopping her usual lullaby, I´m sure Neal would be sleeping again. "Snow would you come here to talk for a bit, if he´s sleeping already?" I shout to her quietly not wanting to wake the baby.

She didn´t answer, but comes back to kitchen after giving soft kiss on Neal´s forehead.

"Why were you sleeping at couch?" I ask to start the conversation.

She looks down, but speaks finally. "After all that happened in that Alternate world and yesterday I didn´t feel worthy of being near you, any of you." Tears are starting to fall on her face.

"Snow" I say and try to touch her shoulder comfortingly, but she pulls herself away. It breaks my heart to see her so broken. "It really wasn´t your fault. Not any of it. We were written to be like that."

She shakes her head not believing. "Maybe it was set by someone else´s hand, but we still act on it. I can´t help but feel guilty, for abusing you, for almost killing Emma, my baby…" And that got her to cry even more, but now she falls to my arms and we sit for a while quiet just embracing each other thinking our missing child.

After few minutes we calm enough to continue our conversation. "See it wasn´t so bad for me to hold you again. You are always worthy of me remember that." I say wiping few remnant tears from her face.

Snow nods a little, but continues hesitantly: "Even after raping you?"

I should have known she won´t forget that so easily. So I try to explain how it all was for me. "Hey, that one which was for real wasn´t so bad. I thought that has been my life for years so I was surrendered to it as part of my existence, so no need to feel so bad. For that you didn´t really force me, that forcing part was just in false memories."

"So you had feelings of being used?" Snow whispers in shame.

I hate to admit it, but she should know. "I admit I have memories of times when I was just scared shepherd controlled by Queen to do her bidding also in bed without consent and feeling violated by it. But like I said, it was just false memory. What happened there when we really were there wasn´t other than duty I detested, and I can swear to you that now that I know you aren´t just keeping me as my brother´s replacement being with you isn´t ever nothing but delight." I had to laugh a little to that ending, but I needed to light the mood a little.

"Thank you for that." Snow says now little smile starting to form on her lips also momentarily. "I´m so sorry you were given such terrible memories. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"Just come here and wipe those away." I say and crap her from her waist and pull her to me. I kiss her with all the passion and love I have and wish to clear her mind from everything. For my relief she answers after a moment's self-doubt just as passionately and lovingly. I don´t know how far it would have gone if Henry wouldn´t burst in the kitchen looking shocked after seeing us.

"Sorry I didn´t mean to interrupt. I heard voices and thought it was safe to come for breakfast" He stammers getting red faced. Surprising, thinking how many times Henry or Emma have walked to our kissing earlier. I guess it might have been racier than usually though. I chuckle to myself on that thought.

"No worries Henry." I make sure to him nevertheless.

At that moment also Neal gives signals that he is waking up again. "I go check on Neal." Snow says quickly and vanishes to our alcove with red cheeks. She is so adorable when she is embarrassed.

Henry is hesitant for a while but then asks softly. "Is there anything new about my mom?"

And that question brings the pain back. I give little glance to blanket on couch before answering. "I´m sorry but no. But I´m sure henry that we fill figure something out. We will find her I promise. Our family always finds each other." I really hope I could believe that myself too, but I´m not so sure this time. We don't even know where to begin looking her, not to mention Emma´s dark one now. Even thinking that breaks my heart and I need to keep myself in check to not start to cry again after getting glimpse of her blanket again on couch, because that would just scare Henry. When Snow comes back to kitchen I nod a little towards blanket because seeing it is too much for me. Luckily she takes the hint and takes it with her to our bed without Henry noticing.

Hour later Henry decides to go to Regina´s and that gives us some time to talk more.

Snow is sitting on bed holding blanket again while watching Neal playing with his toys.

"Are we good?" I ask her. "On my part I don´t have anything against you, believe me." I continue before she has time to answer.

She thinks a little while before answering, but then smiles a little. "I guess, if you are good with it, I think I can get there also. It´s just Emma I´m worried still. How she can ever forgive me, especially now and where she is for that matter?"

I flinch a little when she mentions what was done to Emma, since she isn´t the only one to blame there. I killed Hook, yes on command, but big part of me enjoyed it since I have always been little vary of idea him touching my baby girl. "You´re not only one to apologize Emma. Part of me hurt her just as much without you being part of it." I admit ashamed.

Snow looks me blankly for a minute, not getting what I mean. Then her eyes lit up. "Hook?" she asks.

I nod.

"I commanded you to do it though." She try to make it more her fault.

I nod, but admit in shame. "Yes, but I enjoyed it. You know how much I hate the idea of any man defiling Emma."

Snow laughs fully on that. "Oh I know. If you got your wish she would always be daddy´s little princess."

"Is there anything bad in that?" I chuckle back, playing to be hurt.

"Well dad´s a dad." She admits laughing. But got serious fast again and sniffs fully Emma´s blanket before speaking again. "I feel this blanket and our family is all that is keeping me sane now. I´m so sorry I thought last night you would be better without me."

I sit on the bed and took her in my arms. "Don´t worry about it, we all get doubts from time to time and it matters more what we do eventually about those. Remember Neverland, I did almost the same."

Snow just nods and turns to give me a kiss. Now we stop it short though since it already feels like Neal is starting to look also. "What are we going to do with Emma?" she asks.

I take the blanket from her arms and try to see it as source of strength also. And surprisingly when I smell it I notice what she means. That smell is all and I feel like being that new dad fighting to get his baby girl to safety again. "We do whatever we must, but we will get her back. I promise." And now I even believe those words myself. And for a while we just sit there in each other's arms feeling through blanket at least little bit of Emma close and watch how our son is playing feeling safe and satisfied. Luckily too young to understand his big sister is missing. We will find her and face Doc so Snow can say rest apologizes, but for now there is little quiet in middle of storm.

 **Listened After Forever: Energize me while writing, listening can give some feels since I think lyrics are perfect for snowing :)**


End file.
